Inside A Thugs Heart Read online

  ANGELA ARDIS

  INSIDE A THUG’S HEART

  With original poems and letters by

  TUPAC SHAKUR

  KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP.

  http://www.kensingtonbooks.com

  All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.

  This book is dedicated to the memory of

  Tupac Amaru Shakur

  “Thank you.”

  And to the memory of my father

  Lawrence Ardis

  “I love you, Daddy.”

  Acknowledgments

  To Afeni Shakur, thank you for allowing this book to see the light of day. Your blessings and support during this process will have me forever grateful to you. I hope you feel I’ve done well by Tupac.

  To my mother, thank you does not begin to convey the gratitude I hold for you. But since I can’t think of a stronger word, thank you will have to do. Thank you for always being by my side. You are the rock that has never faltered, the wind beneath my wings and the air that I breathe. You’re the reason I’m here, the reason I’ve sustained and the reason I remain. Your words and everlasting presence has made me the woman that I am today. Thank you!

  To my agent, Alex Smithline, thank you for your patience and endurance.

  To my attorney, David Byrnes, you have been so incredible and supportive through this entire process. Thank you. We have so many more projects to go. I hope you’re ready!

  To my editor, Karen Thomas, thank you for having the vision and insight to see this book as the blessing it was truly meant to be. Considering we’re both Geminis, it’s a wonder we were ever able to have a solid conversation. However, with the one hundred people we represented on the phone, I think we did pretty damn good! I believe we’ll have a relationship that will last for many years to come.

  To Karolyn Ali, thank you for having such patience while reading this book. I feel like we grew closer every day and you, too, were able to see and feel the connection that was made on these pages. I know we will be friends for many years to come. Thank you!

  To my business partner, Cedric Pendleton, thank you! For all the arguments, disagreements, frustrations, and conversations . . . here it is! Fruition! Your strength, persistence and “know-how” got us from conversation to reality. Thank you for always lending me an ear and your undivided attention when I needed someone to talk to, to vent to, or to cry to. You never turned me away and I have mad, crazy, stupid love for the man that you are and the lifelong friend that you will be. Now let’s get crackin’ on the next project!

  To my business partner, Mike Waller, thank you for having the courage to step up that day at Interscope. God puts people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Your presence in my life has its definite reasons, and I know you will remain there for the rest of my life. Your ideas never cease to amaze me, and your patience in explaining everything to me so that I, too, can have the knowledge is one of many of the greatest gifts you could ever have bestowed upon me. Knowledge is power! We have so much more work to do. Don’t forget the champagne in the penthouse! See you there!

  To my sister, Renee, thank you for always being my cheerleader for anything I ever decided to do. You’ve always believed in my abilities even when I didn’t. Your constant optimism created strengths in me that helped me overcome so many obstacles in my life. “If You Believe” is my anthem thanks to you. Every time my inner child gets scared, I call you and you have a way of injecting that child with such confidence, that we now believe we can do almost anything. Thank you for being a wonderful sister and my best friend.

  To my brother, Eddie (Henry, as most know him), my ace, the number one man in my life. Even though you are my brother, you have been like a father to me as well. I measure every man that comes into my life against you, and considering I’m single, this means none of the knuckleheads have measured up. Thank you so much for always giving me business advice and advice about love from a “mature man’s” perspective. Thank you for having my back, no matter what, and for being such a strong black man that I can look at you and know that strong black men with no bullshit really do exist. I maintain hope in finding that because of you. Thank you!

  To my niece and nephew, Crystal and E.J., I love you two so much. I know I’ve been pretty preoccupied with my life for the past few years, but now I’m in a place where I can be the auntie that I used to be.

  To my good friend Derrick: man, I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me over the last fourteen years. You have been such a godsend that words cannot begin to express my level of thankfulness for you. You are the realest as a person, a confidant, and a friend. You are the epitome of what friendship represents, and I am truly blessed that we met and maintained. Thank you!

  To one of my closest friends, Tanya, thank you. Even though I didn’t like you when I first met you, you have been such an incredible blessing in my life. We have been through some of the most traumatic experiences of our lives together and have shared so many good times, too. Over the last ten years, we have leaned on each other, encouraged each other, motivated and inspired one another. I will always be here for you no matter what, where, when, or what time. You are my dog fo’ life! Luv you, girl!

  To my closest, boogie, undercover goofy friend, Cheryl, thank you. You, too, have been a major blessing in my life for the last twelve years. We have been through it! No more needs to be said! Thank you for always projecting positiveness when it came to anything I was trying to do. I’m here whenever you need me! Luv you, girl! Stay strong.

  To my newest and coolest buddy, Iris, thank you. Girl, all I can say is that we got through it and D.D.P. is still in effect but we are looking at it from the outside. A toast to us and that mess! Didn’t think we’d make it out. Thank you for always waking up in the middle of the night to hear me vent. I needed it and I appreciated it even more. I couldn’t have gotten through so many things without your unconditional support. It always feels like I’m telling you something for the first time even when I’ve told you thirty times. I hope I have been and will be as good a friend to you as you have been to me for the last four years. The “pipes” are officially down, dog! Luv you, girl!

  To my friends, Kirven, thank you for letting me chill when I needed to and always playing the music I wanted to hear at the clubs you deejay at. Tell yo’ boys I’ll come and cook ya’ll some more smothered chicken and peach cobbler soon! Charlie, my Puerto Rican chica, you are such a great friend to me and I know we will grow old together, talking shit about you know what. Everything is going to work out, girl, and if you ever need anything, you call me! We have business to handle! Alicia, girl, here it is! Can you believe it? Three and a half years later and here is the book on the shelf. You are such a blessing to me. Thank you for being there to crack that whip! I know we’ll be friends for life. Dukeum, I’ve known you for twenty-one years. You know you are my forever friend. I love you, man. Don’nae, even though we only talk once every few years or so, you still are on the top of my list of real friends. When we talk it always feels like we just talked yesterday. I miss you, girl. Dutch, thank you for letting me chill when I needed to. I needed it a lot more than you knew. The Thai food and my magnificently made margaritas made it all good, too! Look forward to doing business with you in 2004. Terrell, nobody would know you are an attorney ’cause you so goofy. You have been a blessing and I know we will be friends for life. Syke, I couldn’t believe you were standing in Interscope that afternoon and had just been talking about me a month earlier. I’m glad we ran back into one another and I look forward to doing business with you. Trent, thank you for embracing me on G.P. I know we’ll be friends and doing business together for many years to come. Dust off your tennis rackets!
Darice, we have so much work to do, girl! I’m glad we connected and I know that we’ll be friends for a long time. Donte, thank you for your constant optimism and encouragement. Much luv to you. Teresa, my knowledge guru and spiritual advisor, thank you for never judging me and loving me no matter what. I love you sooooooo much! Jetta, my second mama and close friend. I love you and appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. We need to get together again soon and exhale! Sully, you know you have been a rock in my life for many many years and I love and appreciate you to the infinite degree. You da man! Poche, see, I’m the only girl in your life that is just your friend. I told you! We must do In & Out Burgers when I get back to L.A. Steve, you have always had my back since I met you. You just kind of took me under your wing and looked out for me like a sister. I love and appreciate you more than you know. Kofie, my exhale buddy. Thank you for the numerous times you let me chill out at our spot to get away. I always enjoy our conversations and the energy that you possess. We will be friends for life. Can’t stop what’s supposed to be! Darrell, dog, you have had my back since 1989 and if there is ever anything I can do for you, you just holla! It’s all a journey. Vincent, you are a godsend if I’d ever seen one. Thank you does not begin to say enough but I think you know what I’m saying. You are a blessing. Sydney, thank you for whipping this body into shape. Couldn’t have done it without your kickboxing and boot camp classes. Travis, my new-found friend, you have brought another level to my life and by the time this book comes out, I’ll be interested to see what has taken place! Your energy is magnetic and I love spending time with you. I’m always relaxed when I’m with you. Thank you for your constant optimism when it came to this project or anything I was trying to do. Hope you have a great season! Much love, baby.

  To my friends, Michael, Trisha, Donna, Izora, Uncle Lynn, Camilla, Moe, Billy, Kim, Roy, Carl, Terry, Todd, Hugh (Road Dog #1), Tyrone (Road Dog #2), S.S, Lori, Najj, William, Tony, John, Stephanie (thank you so much for everything), Jasmine, Re Re (Margaret), Snowball and Granny, Andrew and Darlene, thank you all for always trying to keep me in a positive frame of mind and for being so supportive.

  If I have forgotten anyone, I swear I tried not to, but please forgive me. I thank you, too.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter 1 - THE BET

  Chapter 2 - THE CALL

  Chapter 3 - THE FIRST LETTER EXCHANGE

  Chapter 4 - TUPAC REACHES OUT

  Chapter 5 - OUR LETTERS CROSS

  Chapter 6 - MISUNDERSTOOD

  Chapter 7 - A REQUEST

  Chapter 8 - GETTING PERSONAL (AND SHOCKED)

  Chapter 9 - TRYING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT

  Chapter 10 - AN INVITATION

  Chapter 11 - THUG MANSION

  Chapter 12 - GETTING REALLY PERSONAL

  Chapter 13 - GETTING HEAVEN

  Chapter 14 - ANTICIPATION

  Chapter 15 - HE TRULY NEEDED A HUG

  Chapter 16 - I SEND AN INVITATION

  Chapter 17 - ANOTHER SHOCKING DISCOVERY

  Chapter 18 - THE TRIP

  Chapter 19 - THE VISIT

  Chapter 20 - RELEASE

  Copyright Page

  Chapter 1

  THE BET

  It was close to 10 P.M. and the office was pretty empty. However, due to a board meeting scheduled for the following week a core group of us was working to critique our financial reports and presentations, blazin’ R & B over the constant and steady rhythm of the copy machine. By 10:30 P.M., we were all exhausted and delirious, when M. C. Lyte’s song “Ruffneck” came on the radio. My coworker and roommate, Tanya, and I looked at each other, put our coffee mugs down, turned the radio up, and started dancing.

  We danced and chanted.

  During our impromptu concert, our other coworkers started dancing. We were all even more exhausted when the song ended, but we were energized, and with perfect timing, our Chinese food finally arrived.

  “If you could have a ‘ruffneck,’ who would you pick?” a coworker asked, swallowing her chow mein.

  “Treach, with his chocolate, built, rough self,” my roommate blurted out, referring to the Naughty by Nature lead rapper. Laughter echoed throughout the empty office.

  “What about you, Ann?” someone asked. (I was sometimes called Ann for short.)

  “Treach is fine, but I would pick Tupac,” I answered. “Sexy, rough, and gorgeous.”

  They all laughed. “Yeah, right!”

  “‘Yeah, right,’ what? You asked who I would pick. Tupac,” I said, defending myself.

  “Well, too bad. He’s in jail now,” someone said.

  “So, I didn’t say I would go get with him. I said I would pick him. Why are ya’ll bashing me? You didn’t say anything when Tanya said Treach.”

  “Yeah, well. Treach is out and about, and the possibilities are actual possibilities. But Tupac? He’s gonna be locked up and out of commission for a while,” my coworker shot back, laughing.

  “Treach is as much of a possibility as Tupac is, as far as that goes,” I said. “Tanya would have to get through his girl’s ass kickin’, if he even wanted her in the first place!” Everyone laughed. “Besides, Tupac is not beyond reach,” I added, knowing that he was.

  “He’s in jail, Ann. He’s beyond reach.”

  “What does that mean? Jail is not beyond reach,” I said matter-of-factly.

  “Okay. Well, then I bet you can’t reach him,” my coworker challenged.

  “Reach him?” I questioned. “Yeah, right. I thought we established the fact that he’s in jail. I meant that he’s not out of reach to everyone. But he is out of reach for me. I don’t know him.”

  “You’re the one who said he’s not beyond reach. I bet you can’t reach him,” she said with a laugh, raising her eyebrows.

  I imitated her, raising my eyebrows, and leaned into the circle that we had created on the floor. “Bet,” I said.

  We all laughed at the absurdity of the bet and finished our food, then eventually, somewhere around midnight, we completed the task at hand and went home. Thank God it was Friday.

  That night, as I began to fall asleep, I chuckled at the thought of Tupac. I was clueless as to how I would actually reach him. I didn’t know anyone who knew him or anybody who knew someone who knew somebody who knew him either. But it was a bet, and even though I try hard to win my bets, I always lose. Always. But I was up for the challenge.

  Yeah, right! Who was I kidding?

  The next morning, I was startled awake by the ringing of my phone. I had been sleeping soundly and was pissed that I hadn’t remembered to turn off the ringer. It was a guy I had just started seeing. We were supposed to get together that afternoon, but I told him that I had had a late night. He could hear the tiredness in my voice and told me to call him later. I hung up, flipped onto my back, and gazed around my room. Today was definitely going to be a cleanup day. My perfume, makeup, and hair stuff were spread all over my dresser, and the sun, which played peak-a-boo through the blinds, showed me exactly how badly I needed to clean my mirror. I looked over at the clock and was amazed at the fact that it was 2 P.M. Hearing BET blasting on the TV and smelling the aroma of something special cooking on the other side of my bedroom door, I knew that Tanya was up. I cleaned myself, threw on a robe, and went and sat on the living room couch.

  “Tired?” Tanya asked, sitting on the love seat across from me.

  “Yeah.”

  “Mmm mmm,” she mumbled, eating a morsel of chicken. “Mmm mmm. You can eat,” she said, smacking her lips.

  “Okay, I kind of figured that, Tan,” I said sarcastically.

  “I would have fixed you a plate, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready to eat yet,” she said, laughing at whatever was on the tube.

  “I must have missed it when you asked me,” I said, closing my eyes as she looked up from her plate.

  “I didn’t even know you were up. What’s wrong wi
th you? You on your period?” she asked, stank as she can sometimes be.

  “Maybe.”

  “Well, you started early ’cause I’m not on mine yet. Or maybe I’m late,” she said, looking like she was racking her brain cells. “Naw, I’m not. Then what’s your problem, Sybil?”

  “Mood swinging. The moon must be full.”

  Tanya began flipping through the channels and stopped to watch the end of a Naughty by Nature video. “Girl, there’s my picky, snicky Treach!” she yelled, bopping around with her mouth full of food.

  “Girrrrrl. That man right there? Whew! The things I would do,” she went on.

  “I know, girl. I know.” I laughed, closing my eyes.

  “So, have you figured out your plan yet?” she asked.

  “What plan?”

  “Your plan of attack for your bet.”

  “Girl, please. I’m not thinking about that bet.”

  “That was pretty silly of them to bet you that anyway. Like you could actually reach him.”

  “Yeah, it was the exhaustion of working late, that’s all.”

  “Do you want to go to the mall?”

  “You don’t have to ask twice,” I said, jumping off the couch and heading for my room. “Just give me a minute to throw on some clothes,” I yelled.

  “I thought you and What’s-his-face were supposed to go out this afternoon.”

  “We’re getting together later.”

  “Oh, okay. Then let’s go.”

  The craziest things kept happening on the journey to the mall. When we first got in the car, Tanya had a mix tape that started playing Tupac’s “Holler If Ya Hear Me.” Then when we got to the mall, there was a music store at the entrance that had a huge 2Pac poster on display and was blasting his song “I Get Around.” Were these signs? Coincidences? Maybe.

  After spending most of Saturday shopping, we got home pretty late. I was hanging up my new stuff when it dawned on me that I should just write him a letter. A simple letter. I know that doesn’t sound original, but in a situation like this, who cares? What would be the probability of the letter ever reaching him anyway? The odds were staggering to me. In my mind, the likelihood was very low that he would get it, and the likelihood that he’d read it was even lower. I wondered how many letters he got a day. Thousands, I figured. But then I thought to myself, What do I have to lose? I lose bets all the time, so what difference would one more make. Right? Right.